august: filled with chaos and hectic situation.

being busy made her forgot how to breathe.

a story about a mistaken word for busy—how did it make me forgot a lot simplest basic needs in my life, and how journaling helped me with my thoughts later on.

the first two weeks of august, she couldn’t helped herself but staying in a tight schedule, she remembered the first week she was obsessed with the idea of studying all day and watching documentaries at night. Although, she had been studying by herself for 4 months. Yet, it wasn’t enough for her to get where she wanted.

Few days of august had passed by, she joined a volunteer group with one of her close friends.

Continually, Liam; the cat, was sick again due to Leukemia and FIV … so Liam was brought to the vet hospital

about a week ago, she thought that Liam would get better … however, she predicted that Liam wasn’t going to make it that far. Using every possible sensing and intuition to helped, it surely didn’t. It made her cried, just to be safe but comforting with the fact that she knows nobody is here to live forever, not even animals.

August 10th 2025: got a call from the doctor at the vet saying “Liam isn’t doing well, I’m afraid …” she couldn’t remember the rest of the sentence of what the doctor had said earlier, all she know was she needed to see Liam at the hospital now. On the way to the vet, her father was stopped by the police saying a bunch of unnecessary things in such of paying the car taxes—which isn’t the time—had to pay 700 baht for that …

I’m so sorry for your loss wasn’t the first time she heard that sentence, but everything inside of that room was tumbling— her own brain — even her father, and its the first time she ever saw her father cried …?

she couldn’t remembered anything from August 10th, if she had to say a scene in one word; burying.

August 11th 2025: it was Monday, surely, she was living her own life while everything throw harsh things at her—she didn’t mind it, until a conversation of “when are you applying to university?” when .. when .. when .. “why are you taking so LONG?” why .. why .. why..? supposing her family members didn’t know what her daily routine was like “what are you doing these days? do you have any hobbies? what have you done to your body to be this skinny again?” what .. what .. what ??????????? as if she had done 2 creative projects, continually doing filmmaking, studying, and doing volunteer AT THE SAME TIME … does this look like a hobbies to them? or does it look like ‘the loser activities’ to them … they didn’t know she graduated high school 1 year earlier. Yet, they expected more from her. They didn’t know she studied all university entrance exams ALONE. Of course, she answered all of the questions back and they still look confused like she was supposed to make into the university this year.

August 12th 2025 was the day of perfectionism walked into the room and said are you excited to have me back? though, she never procrastinate, particularly, is because she is obsessed with getting things done. she doesn’t like having deadlines because if she doesn’t get it done … then she would’ve had a war with herself. This time the perfectionism hit her in the head, yes .. in the head; her brain. She started to feel anxious with her score dropped to 38%.

somedays since July up to August, she forgot to eat. It wasn’t the fact that she loss her appetite but it’s because she feels anxious her heart rate was normally high but this time it went up to 127-145 BPM that makes her feel even more anxious by the knowing she had to eat, well that’s the thing … she doesn’t like eating.

August 13th 2025 was the day of she experienced headache. She couldn’t understand herself much of what is going on. Thus far, she is absolutely crazy because she still managed to get things done. Up until this point, she cried again. Cried so much that she couldn’t eat a full meal afterwards. Does this look like depression to her? no, not yet, it surely looks like a anxious perfectionist.

August 14 - 15 th 2025 she woke up terribly, had nightmares about getting chase and her huawei watch said looks like she is experiencing 5 hours of light sleep and 2 hours of REM sleep!! not only that, she had a MASSIVE headache, she believe that it was migraine. She couldn’t be in a loud noisy room nor going for a car ride due to ear pulsing sensation nor watch any documentaries from the screen.

August 16th 2025 today she journal so much till she realized that being busy and completely stopped doing everything she ever loved—made her feel the need to be good at certain things like studying, taking care of other but me, because she liked the idea of being BUSY due to i don’t have to listen to her own mind and the people she known for all her life said that they liked seeing me doing those things so she stopped, she stopped wandering around what place or where should she go—she used to walk around the larger area just to ease her mind; she stopped writing newsletter—she thought she didn’t have time; and she stopped doing hobbies.

her tears dropped on a piece of paper while journaling

she wrote 4 pages of today’s journal. if she’s being honest, she cried during journaling and it felt like her again, she felt so vulnerable just to express her feelings onto a piece of paper. And she avoid it, to a certain extent, again she doesn’t like having many voices at once and she LIKED the idea of being busy.

she think that this may be the reason why everything’s feel so hectic and filled with chaos.

she also stopped writing because i can’t think of anything when it comes to writing—there’s no ideas or topic to write about.

although, she love studying and learning but it would be much better if she continue doing what she love alongside her studies. this is another lesson for me but this is how journaling helps me with my thoughts, she always find herself back to what she loves <3